Monday, November 29, 2010

The Ultimate Hockey Player's Guide to Chew/Dip (Simplified)

Alright this is pretty fucking simple, if you play hockey you should be packing chews. So here is a basic description of your well know chews and dips and such. If there is a P next to the description, DO NOT GET IT. THIS MEANS YOU ARE A PUSSY FOR CHEWING IT.

SkoalApple: Don't let anyone know you're doing it. P
Cherry: Acceptable in certain situations (i.e. mixing it with some straight). P
Mint: Completely acceptable, I find it most common with D-men.
Wintergreen: Accepted by most, not quite as ballsy as mint (which isn't ballsy...) but still can be viewed as a hockey players dip.
Straight: Common dip I find in the lockerroom, not very tough, but probably seen as one of the toughest of the skoals.
Vanilla: Fucking queer. If you have a vagina I highly reccomend this dip. Its like dipping vanilla ice cream. Your teamates may consider putting your shit in the shower and leaving it in the rink to freeze if they catch you with this. P

CopenhagenStraight: Everyone knows it and has seen it in the lockerroom, everyone who does it loves it. One of my personal favorites. Highly reccomended.Wintergreen: Soft as shit, tastes like heaven, love it. Common dip found in a hockey lockerroom

To be completely honest I fucking hate griz. I hate it in every flavor is comes in and I don't feel like doing the fucking rundown on each one. Griz is respected in the lockerroom. Thats all there is to it. Don't give me shit for not liking griz, its cheap as shit. G (GAY)

Grape: Tastes like a fucking blue tootsie pop. Never really seen it around the rink, only outside of the rink when chilling with my boys. P
Never had it to be honest, assuming its like every other straight out there. But this will give you cancer like five times faster.

I don't feel like going through all the random fucking chews and dips that are scattered across the nation. Those listed above are the ones you will find in a hockey lockerroom. As for chews, you will only see redman, guaranfuckingteeit. No joke its the only chew I have seen in a lockerroom. The last dip that I want to mention is Hawken Wintergreen, its a mix of chew and dip, but comes in a can. It legit the best, most sweetest tasting wintergreen I have ever had and it is so soft and packs extremely comfortably. I reccomend it to everyone who chews and or dips. You will love it, like I said I guaranfuckingteeit. Thanks to everybody again, dip your fucking faces off boys.

Fighting, Is it really necessary?

I recently had a reader send me the question: is there a place in junior hockey for fighting? Some say yes, some say no, I say who gives a fuck? Hockey is hockey, people are going to get angry and want to fight. Do I think it should be legal? Yeah, fuck it why not. The empire league banned fighting and hands out a game misconduct if you drop the mitts. I don't exactly agree with that rule, it looks good on paper and it sounds like they are trying to clean it up a little bit, but everyone gets excited when they see a fight. One of the best things to see in a game is watching someone get punched square in the fucking face in a scrap. But here is what really ticks me off, the kids who chirp til the cows come home, but their gloves are fucking superglued to their hands. Like holy shit guys, if you're going to talk shit you better be ready to throw down. Junior hockey does involve a shitload of chirping, every level of hockey has it, but if you're going to chirp be ready to back it up. I'm sick of seeing kids chirp the fuck out of the kid across from them and then just skate away and pretend they don't see the kid when he is standing there asking for a scrap. I played two years of junior hockey and lets say I became very familiar with stitches and ice packs in my years in juniors. I'm sure everyone reading this has seen it happen a number of times. Here is an example of what pisses me off the most:

Chirper: Yo kid sick fucking double tuck
Bruiser: Alright kid lose the fucking ankle tape ya pussy
(More chirping ensues)
Bruiser: You wanna get this goin or what?
Chirper: (Skating away, avoiding bruiser at all costs)
Bruiser: (Tries to push the kid to fight, gets a penalty called on him)
Chirper: (Bruiser is now contained in penalty box) Hey way to go faggot, take another penalty ya fucking homo.
Bruiser: Lets fucking go when I'm out
Chriper: (Hides behind coach on bench)
I was never one to chirp. I was the bruiser in that situation. Use your imagination and create that scene in your head play it out and all that good shit. The chriper is a kid that people say "everyone loves to have one on your team, but hates to play against them. I hate people who say that. I hate playing with, against, or within a three mile radius of a chirper. All they are is a massive vagina. Either stop chirping, or drop the fucking gloves for shits sake. Fighting can sway the momentum of a game, but it can backfire horrendously and kill your teams momentum and put you in a huge hole where you will get fucking shit on and lose like by like a massive deficit. Fighting is cool and all, but the purpose of it isn't to look cool. It is to get your team fired up. So next time you come across a chirper, fucking pester him til he fights you and if he doesn't, well then you throw a nasty leg check and watch him cry like a bitch on the ice. Fighting is not a glorious act, getting punched in the face sucks. But if you're going to chirp just drop the gloves and take it like a man. Now to all of you chirpers reading this post, seriously take your skates, put them in your bag and toss it down in your basement. Its time to hang 'em up chirpers, theres no room for you on the ice. Hockey is a sport for men, not for pussies. I won't go out and say fighting is necessary, but I will say that there is a place for it in the game. Thanks again to all the reader. Spread the word and tell your friends about the funniest fucking news in hockey.

IJHL Rundown (Cape Cod Cubs)

I have had numerous people pestering me about starting a junior hockey blog on east coast teams and leagues and I finally gave in and decided it was time somebody gave the low down about junior hockey in the eastern United States. Now when people think of east coast hockey the first thing that comes to mind is the EJHL (Eastern Junior Hockey League). There are more than six leagues on the east coast and most all of them produce quality teams. But one major misconception that people constantly fall for is that the International Junior Hockey League is a good league. Anyone who is from New England knows that the IJHL is a brutal league. Most will argue that it has produces a handful of good hockey players every year. This is true, but what most fail to realize is that the IJHL is an independent junior league and is not sanctioned by USA Hockey, unlike leagues such as the EJHL, AJHL, MetJHL, and the EmpireJHL. I've never had a gift for writing, but I'm going to give it a shot. I like to say that I tell it how it is. So here is how it goes, the IJHL as a league is fucking awful. They have one team that has been making waves in their region, the Cape Cod Cubs. Everybody in the cape fucking loves the cubs, well here is why I assume these people have falled in love with them. The cubs play out of an area that is not exactly a hot bed for hockey. Take a town that is unfamiliar with the concept of junior hockey, say for example, Hyannis, Massachusetts. Now tell the people that junior hockey team is making their home the Hyannis Community Center. People are going to go ape shit because they think they have a legit junior team in their town. When people who have no idea what juniors is and they hear the words "junior hockey" they are going to find themselves fucking around on google some night and search junior hockey on google and one thing will lead to another and bam they end up on wikipedia looking at teams in the Q, or the OHL, or the WHL. These cape codders hit the jackpot with this team, they have brought in some of the finest talent from across the globe to capture and IJHL title. If you didn't catch any sarcasm in my last statement then you are either a cape cod cubs fan or player. I hate to break it to you guys but the cubs fucking suck. Put them against any junior team from the EJHL or the AJHL and they will get their shit pumped. Hell they would get pounded on by any team from the Met league or the Empire. Now the cubs are the best team in the IJHL, they blowout other teams in the "super elite" division of the IJHL all the time. Basically what I am getting at is that the IJ fucking blows. This league is a joke. If you're planning on playing in this league you should probably reconsider playing hockey as a whole. Talking about the IJ gets me fucking heated. I got bored and decided to search around and see what I could find on the cape cod cubs. I stumbled upon some pretty funny shit. In junior hockey we all know that you are required to wear a cage in most league, in some you can wear halfers, when a fight takes place you remove your gloves and your helmet from your body out of respect for your opponent. Well last year one of the cubs players got really upset with an Eastern Kodiaks player and decided to start throwing his hands at him. I wouldn't classify this as a fight, I mean its kind of embarrassing to watch as a hockey player and think this is what we have come to. Well in the midst of his anger, tough guy over here forgot to take his helmet off in a scrap and decided it was fair to fight with a helmet on. Take a look for yourself, you may laugh.
                                                           Cape Cod Cubs Bruiser
I've had enough of shitting on the IJ and the cubs. If you don't believe me that the cubs suck, watch one of their games and tell me what you think then. I'm glad to answer questions just leave comments and your email address and I will be happy to get back to you. Let your friends know about the blog and if their is anything you want to be written about just leave a comment.